| The Wizard of Oz |
MEGAN'S ROLE: MUNCHKIN LAWYER
[ open on Turner Classic Movies logo ]
Announcer: Turner Classic Movies now returns to "The Wizard of Oz".
[dissolve to scene where Dorothy steps out of the farm house after the tornado has dumped it into the magical and colorful land of Oz]
Dorothy: Oh, my.. now I know we're not in Kansas any more, Toto.
[Toto barks, as Glinda the Good Witch steps forward amongst the many Munchkins surrounding the house]
Glinda the Good Witch: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
Dorothy: [startled] Who? Me? Oh, I'm not a witch at all! I'm Dorothy Gale, from Kansas! Witches are old and ugly!
[the nearby Munchkins titter at Dorothy's assertion]
Dorothy: Why are they laughing?
Glinda the Good Witch: They're laughing, you see, because I'm a witch. Glinda, the Good Witch of the North.
Dorothy: Oh! Well, I-I beg your pardon! It's just, I've never heard of a beautiful witch before!
Glinda the Good Witch: [chuckles] Only bad witches are ugly.
Dorothy: Oh! [laughs] Well, I guess that -- Hey! Wait a second. You just asked me if I was a bad witch. What are you trying to say?
Glinda the Good Witch: [stammering] Oh.. uh.. geeeee..
Munchkin #1: Awk-warrrrrrrd!
Glinda the Good Witch: [changing the subject] Um.. look. The important thing is.. you, Dorothy Gale, are a hero to these people - for, when your house fell, you killed the Wicked Witch of the East!
[show the Wicked Witch's shriveled legs and foot under the front of the house]
Munchkin #2: The Witch is dead! Three cheers for Dorothy and her falling house!
Munchkins: Hip hip hooray!! Hip hip hooray!!
Munchkin #3: [crying in horror] Oh, my God!!!!
[show Munchkins #4, #5 and #6 trapped under the side of the house]
Munchkin #4: My spine!!
Munchkin #5: My pelvis has been shattered!!
Munchkin #6: Will somebody raise this damn house off of me?!
Dorothy: Ohh! Ohh, my! I didn't mean to --
Munchkin #3: Somebody, help!! Where's Dr. Wingnut?!!
Munchkin #2: He was here just a second ago!! He was standing right over th --
[Munchkin #2 points to the area he was standing out, now covered by the house, his legs dangling out]
Munchkin #2: Oh, boy.. this is not good..
Munchkin #7: [pointing to Dorothy] This is all your fault! Do something!
Dorothy: Oh! Oh, I know! There's a first aid kit in the house!
[Dorothy climbs up the steps of the house, putting added pressure onto the Munchkins trapped beneath the house]
Munchkins #4, #5, #6: Owwwwww!!!! Owwwwww!!!
Munchkin #7: There's people down there!!
Dorothy: Oh, okay! Bad idea! I'm really sorry!
Munchkin #1: Dear God, it's worse than we thought! The entire Lollipop Guild is down there!
[show the outstretched arm of a member of the Lollipop Guild under the front of the house, trying desperately to clutch onto a lollipop]
Dorothy: Oh! Look, look, nobody panic! We can get them out! We just have to pull! [grabs two legs] See! I think it's working! 1! 2! [gives a swift tug, as the bloody stumps come flying out]
[the Munchkins scream in horror]
Dorothy: Yikes! Another bad idea! Uh.. Glinda, you know magic.. could you, uh..?
[Glinda removes the hat from a Munchkin's head, and throws up in it]
Dorothy: O-kay.. uh.. no help there! [chuckles] Look, I'm just making things worse, maybe I should just go.
Munchkin #7: Oh no, you don't! You've got one hell of a lawsuit on your hands, lassie!
Dorothy: Oh, come on! You're not gonna --
[bouncy music rises, as Munchkin Lawyer and her associates enter the scene]
Munchkin Lawyer: [singing]
"Weeeee represent, the victims' families!
The victims' families, the victims' families!
And in the name of victims' families
We're gonna sue your ass in Munchkin court!"
Dorothy: What? A class action suit?!
Munchkin Lawyer: Oh, we're gonna take you for every gumdrop you got, Sweetie!
Dorothy: Oh, this is terrible! It must be a bad dream! [closes her eyes] There's no place like home.. there's no place like home.. there's no place like home..
[a slow dissolve, but no change]
Dorothy: Aw, crap!
Munchkin #7: Yeah. No go.
Munchkin #2: Nice try. Haul her off, boys! Shave her with a candy cane if she tries anything!
Dorothy: Oh! Toto!
[Dorothy is hauled away, as Darrell Hammond enters the scene]
Darrell Hammond: Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed our little Wizard Of Oz piece. But if you want to really experience it on a whole other level, ty this: simply rewind back to the beginning of the sketch, turn the sound down, light up a fattie, watch the whole thing over again with Dark Side of the Moon playing. [holds up the famed Pink Floyd album] I guar-an-tee you're going to enjoy that! I know I will!
Music Out: "Money", Pink Floyd.
In The Motherhood
